Most people have never learned how to communicate. Without this skill, a person is handicapped in an intimate relationship. Without being able to express themselves and listen to another, partners cannot achieve intimacy. By developing your communication skills, you and your partner will be able to establish a lasting, loving, successful relationship.

One of the biggest problems in communicating is that most couples have a basic misconception of what the purpose of communication is.  Most approach talking with a partner as a debate where each presents a preconceived version of the reality of what is going on between the two partners.

The fault with this approach is the mistaken assumption that either partner can go into the conversation with an accurate perception of reality.  This is not possible because neither person has the necessary information to determine what is going on between them.

One purpose of communication is to determine what reality is. Communication involves the sharing of two people as they talk to each other and examine all of their perceptions, feelings, ideas and thoughts to come to an accurate understanding of what is happening.

Make eye contact with your partner, smile at appropriate times during the discussion and watch your partner’s body language when your communicating. If you feel your partner is uncomfortable with the discussion they may feel less on the defensive if you gently touch them in an affectionate way. Also, if you feel your partner is uncomfortable with a certain topic or subject, draw back for a bit and choose your words carefully as to be sensitive to your partner while communicating your feelings and emotions. This will help your partner relax, more apt to loosen up and become more open to the discussion. Thus the communication will go much more smoothly, and you may be able to let your partner discuss with you something that they may not normally have discussed before, and that’s a good sign that your communication is going well.

One of the worst things to do during a discussion with your partner is to blame everything on them. Try to not use these statements such as,

  • “you never” do this!
  • “you always” do that!
  • “why don’t you ever” do that?

Or one of my worst, comparing your partner to someone else. Using examples are one thing but comparing your partner to another person is downright disrespectful and nothing good ever comes from disrespecting one another or blaming your partner for everything that goes wrong.

A good thing to remember while communicating to your partner on something he/she might be doing that you’re feeling uncomfortable about is to remember to follow up with something positive about your partner that he/she does that is an absolutely wonderful quality. Something positive that your partner has and to remember to choose your words carefully with each subject you bring up.  You certainly don’t want an argument. You only want to get your point across and that should never end up in an argument if at all possible. As I said above, watch your partners body language and their expressions while communicating. This should give you an idea of how you should proceed from this point.

Let your partner speak and offer encouraging words, most of all listen. Let them know your relationship is valued and that you truly appreciate them and everything they do for you and in your relationship. I can’t tell you how many times Iv’e seen couples tear each other down. If two people are in a relationship it seems they would not want their partner to feel unloved, beaten down or emotionally drained.

Communication is the key to any successful relationship and remember its not a contest to see who wins an argument or discussion. We all know no one ever wins an argument. If one or both partners always wants to win an argument or discussion, its a sure bet one or the other partner will eventually end up resentful hurt and stop communicating altogether.


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